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+100\% talks, \\ 0\% human interaction.
+16-bit AES.
+17 slides for a 3-minute rump session talk.
+2 to 4 kilograms of top quality amphetamines.
+2-sentence Eurocrypt reviews.
+387 contact tracing papers submitted to Eurocrypt 2021.
+4mm reasonable margins.
+A 25-year old policy on sexual harassment.
+A Facebook friend request from a cryptographer I~actually despise.
+A career-limiting card game.
+A dancing cryptographer.
+A genuine attempt to configure IPsec.
+A hand wavy argument.
+A long-term nonce.
+A non-fabricated use of pairings.
+A painfully slow Tor masturbation session.
+A popup Skype notification from ``lovemachine69'' during my keynote talk.
+A proof that appears in the ``full version''.
+A shepherd that won't budge.
+A tight security reduction to the problem of fending off a sexually voracious goat.
+A violent and bloody PhD defence.
+Aaron Aaronson's insistence on alphabetical author ordering.
+Academic integrity.
+Accidentally sexting my co-supervisor.
+Actually being ``sorry for the late reply''.
+Actually efficient indistinguishability obfuscation.
+Adleman-Rivest-Shamir encryption (the ARSE algorithm).
+An IACR board meeting.
+An SSL vulnerability with a silly name.
+An ``anonymous'' reviewer insisting I cite 6 papers by the same author.
+An inappropriate workplace romance.
+An insecure VPN straight to the Kremlin.
+An overfull hbox.
+An overlooked patent.
+Arguing savagely against contact tracing so no one finds out that I don't get invited to parties.
+Arriving 13 minutes late to a 15 minute talk and having the gall to ask a question.
+Asking for 2 room keys during check-in, knowing full well I'm not getting laid.
+Bart Preneel's \\ private key.
+Beefing up my Proposition to a Theorem because I'm that awesome.
+Being forced to attend social events because I'm the visitor's official host.
+Being the only smartly dressed person in the room.
+Best rejected paper award.
+Bragging about getting held up at Border Control for saying I'm a cryptographer. 
+Brexit.
+Checking my Google Scholar profile daily.
+Chocolate-covered shrimp.
+Citing personal communication.
+Conferences with 5 submissions at 11:59pm.
+Crippling student debt.
+Crypto wars.
+Day drinking.
+Deadline day flatulence.
+Deliberately hiding inefficiencies inside the big O.
+Deliberately not referencing a superior paper.
+Desperately trying to plug my crypto research into a grant application on pandemic prevention.
+Diffie but definitely not Hellman.
+Doing Facebook maths puzzles to show I am better than those idiot 97\%.
+Double ROT-13.
+Drinking alone.
+Dropping the word Blockchain into my research proposal as many times as possible.
+Dual\_EC\_DRBG.
+Encrypted database security definitions.
+Explaining what my job is at a family reunion.
+Falling asleep in a 5-person meeting.
+Feeling flattered because a conference spam email addressed me as Professor.
+Fighting over LaTeX syntax.
+Filing a patent application for modular multiplication... in 2017.
+Flirting with people at the conference registration desk.
+Forgetting my VGA adapter.
+Frantically taking notes during every talk.
+GDPR requirements.
+Getting a fourth cookie during a coffee break because I have no one to talk to.
+Getting rejected, but then taking immediate solace in the fact that the selection of papers was a difficult and challenging task.
+Getting stuck at the French-speaking banquet table.
+Getting tenure, then chilling the f--- right out!
+Getting turned on by a proof.
+Going straight to journal.
+Government-mandated backdoors.
+HTTPS everywhere!
+Hands-on supervision.
+Having time to catch up on my reading, \\ then not doing it.
+Having to wear pants.
+Having to write a polite rebuttal to the reviewer who clearly didn't read past page 2.
+Hiding my conflict of interest.
+Hillary Clinton's BlackBerry.
+Home-baked, snake oil crypto.
+Ignoring reviewer comments and resubmitting immediately.
+Ignoring the session chair flashing 5 minutes left because I've got 23 slides to go.
+Including an XKCD comic in my slides because I'm so original.
+Knapsack cryptosystems, revisited.
+LNCS' 25-foot margins.
+Making claims in the submission that you hope you can achieve before the rebuttal.
+Maths-terbation.
+My Silk Road purchase history.
+My \textit{h}-index.
+My automated reply saying ``email responses will be delayed'', when I know damn well I'll be online with high-speed internet access 24/7.
+My butt.
+My crypto blog views getting into the double digits.
+My dear friend the Program Chair overruling 3 borderline rejects on my paper.
+My genitals.
+My inappropriate supervisor.
+My inflated sense of self-importance that warrants my PGP key.
+My much more successful career as a singer after rocking the Crypto rump session.
+My relationship status.
+My second divorce.
+My sex life.
+My side job as an incompetent security consultant.
+My successful career at a patent troll company.
+My supervisor's morning breath.
+Nigel Smart's new Hawaiian shirt.
+Not being important enough to be asked to sign the public statement on contact tracing.
+Not feeling guilty about falling asleep during the keynote.
+Not having to wear pants.
+Not needing to pretend to listen to the other speakers in my session.
+Overselling it hard in the introduction.
+Password1.
+Picturing the FSE audience naked.
+Politely starting an answer with ``That's a good question...'', when the question is actually idiotic.
+Post-quantum RSA.
+Preparing for two weeks to give a 15-minute presentation to a room of 7 people all on their laptops.
+Pretending to care when my vegetarian coauthor complains about the lack of banquet options.
+Pretending to understand.
+Pubic key cryptography.
+Publishing anyway.
+Purchasing the Springer hardcopies I publish in because my mom is collecting them.
+Putting an outdoors-y photo on my academic webpage to look well-rounded.
+Quadruple XOR.
+Quantum key distribution.
+Quickly trying to peek at someone's badge as I shake their hand, but it's flipped backwards.
+Reading the person in front's emails.
+Relatives who ask me to help them install their printer on Windows.
+Remembering when `working from home' meant a day off.
+Rogaway's loose morals.
+Satoshi Nakamoto.
+Security through obscurity.
+Sending an email at 11pm so people think I work hard.
+Serious rump session speakers.
+Sexual tension.
+Skype dropping out every 10 to 15 seconds.
+Social sciences.
+Someone less senior than me signing off with ``Thanks in advance''.
+Spending 3 Bitcoin on pizza in 2012.
+Spending all of my Levchin prize money on cocaine.
+Springer's editorial team.
+Starting a conversation with ``When did you fly in?'', because I have nothing interesting to say.
+Taking a group shower with my recent co-authors.
+Telling anyone who'll listen quite how busy I am.
+Thanking the anonymous reviewers for their ``useful'' comments.
+That feeling when my article is sitting pretty at the top of the ePrint archive.
+That one asshole who's always sleeping during my Eurocrypt talks.
+The MIT Mafia.
+The NSA's massive stack of amateur porn.
+The North Korean Cryptographic Standard.
+The awkward question the chair asks when nobody understood the talk.
+The awkward silence of 8 people standing in a circle during the afternoon coffee break.
+The great firewall of China.
+The great paywall of IEEE.
+The intoxicating aroma of 12 PhD students in one office.
+The latest dance mix album by DJ~Bernstein.
+The one person I don't want to get stuck next to on the conference excursion bus.
+The one really hot person at CHES registration drinks.
+The one suit I own for meetings with industry.
+The person in the front row taking photos of every slide.
+The secret flash drive hidden in my underwear.
+The sound of 50 people on a Zoom call all trying to speak at once.
+The student body.
+The walking zombie corpse of Claude Shannon.
+Thinking I'm so clever for using pictures of Alice (Cooper) and Bob (Marley).
+Throwing a party for my next citation milestone.
+Trying to make TCC friends at the bar in order to get the IACR 7-conference grand slam.
+Turbulent bowel movements in the middle of my Asiacrypt presentation.
+Turning up to one meeting and claiming co-authorship.
+Tweeting about my paper acceptance.
+Unbreakable military-grade encryption.
+Undergrads.
+Using Beamer because it's social suicide to use PowerPoint.
+Using ``it clearly follows'' when the implied following is anything but clear.
+Using ``we should talk about this offline'' because the question exposes holes in my paper.
+Using indecipherable, non-standard notation to hide a dodgy proof.
+Vital sugar beet auctions.
+WalnutDSA.
+Wearing a T-shirt with a Linux joke.
+Wearing a conference t-shirt... in public.
+When you realize that quantum computers have been 10 years away for 3 decades.
+Wistfully looking out of the window of my overly-cramped PhD office.
+Writing a reference for someone I can't remember meeting.
+Yet another cryptographer falling into the blockchain startup abyss.
+\texttt{Ctrl+F}'ing to see how many times I'm cited and finding ``0 results''.
+``Working'' remotely.
+{\comicsans A slide deck entirely in Comic Sans.}